The internet is strange place, full of strange creatures. However, throughout my travels on the world-wide-web, I have yet to come across anyone who ticks as many of the face-palming attributes of an ‘online troll’ as the ‘grammar nazi’ — which they have now been ‘appropriately’ titled.
The rise of political correctness has not only stopped at sucking all the fun out of life, but is now spreading into subsections of ‘grammatical correctness’ — which is now opening the floodgates to millions of part-time internet English teachers, who take great pleasure in scanning the internet looking for ‘they’re’ next offender — who’s only ‘crime’ was leaving ‘auto-correct’ on, or being unfortunately enough to be born with Dyslexia.
What I find particularly amazing, is that despite the so-called ‘wealth’ of grammatical knowledge these digital red-marker pen police claim they have over the English language. It doesn’t take much digging on their own profiles to see, that far from being private tutors of wealthy Oxford University graduates — their latest contribution to Facebook was a picture of them at work, playing with the mushrooms on the Tesco pizza counter wearing a natty hairnet.
Pulling out the grammar card, is usually the last resort before the white flag of defeat is waved by a “GN” in online forums. When I find myself in a heated debate online, I try and dedicate the least amount of my energy to replying to silly comments like ‘Islam Is a Religion Of Peace’ or ‘Cor! Doesn’t Vanessa Feltz look hot today!” — so when I get pulled up on my admittedly sloppily written reply to their nonsense, I do wonder what makes them feel entitled enough that I should dedicate a disproportionate amount of my time providing them with a perfectly constructed sentence?
This may come as a shock, but I am not writing an eBook, neither am I submitting a piece of coursework for my English Language Diploma. Sadly, I am conversing with a captious individual with a distorted view of their own intellect, intent on murdering my braincells with their obnoxious pedantry.
I understand it must be frustrating for you, that you now spend your entire lonely existence on social networks using your empty CV as a tissue to wipe away the tears of your own miss-spent education. I also appreciate, that in order to deal with the countless rejections of job applications (despite the inevitable ‘history of arts’ degree) — the only way you can now masturbate your deflated, insecure ego, is by getting on your online soapbox and telling the world how Jimmy McNulty spelt ‘ to’ and not ‘too’…
But, believe it or not, grammar is not that important, no-one gives a shit and most of all, no-one likes you…
If any of this rings true, and you find yourself staring at your screen on your fag break at Gregg’s Bakery, ready to click ‘post’ with another correction of ‘their’ to ‘there’ — please ask yourself these revealing questions;
Will this contribution to the internet be of any value? What actual qualifications do I have to drop this ‘grammar bomb’? Have my self titled ‘expert’ grammatical error spotting skills, ever actually translated into a paying job? Will anyone give me a high five?
If the answer to any of these pertinent questions is ‘none’ or ‘no’, then may I consider immediately deleting your intended typo ‘bitch-slap’ and divert your attention to a more pressing issue at hand, like perhaps, getting a life…