The modern day cyclist is made up of many things, scientifically though — I have come up with a formula that is 98% percent accurate in most of their genetic make-up
- They support Labour
- Pro- Immigration
- They correct peoples grammar on Facebook
- Their children attend after school maths classes and have silly names
- They were bullied as a child
- They enjoy listening to the sound of a ukulele
I have to admit — I don’t have the best of things to say about cyclists, purely from my own experiences which has resulted in my unashamed, blanket judgement of anyone who wears a helmet.
What is is about Go-Pro wearing twots that instantaneously caused me to come out in a rage rash?
Well — It could have something to do with their high and mighty arrogance, as they proudly ring their bell as they ride through another red light? Or — their annoying sense of entitlement and privilege, as they command the roads riding at the pace of a turtle high of roofies…
Whatever the case may be — the only privilege I feel they should receive, is being first in line for a slap with a soggy slipper…
It is now common to see ‘packs’ of lycra clad knob-ticklers, riding in formation across London — inevitably being trailed by a queue of disheartened motorists, desperate to simply continue there day without having to spent the next ten minutes staring at their sweaty behinds.
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There simply must be a solution to ridding the roads of the modern day cyclist — So I would like to present one of my own…
Sadly — having researched the idea of a nationwide cull during the summer months, this has proven very difficult to legislate — so instead, I believe the first priority should be to make cars more appealing, to get them back behind the wheel..
A good starting point would be to turn the inside of the car, into something that closely resembled their trusty tard-mobiles — So therefore I propose the following;
- Lycra covered seating
- A High powered air-conditioning system, so they feel as if they are outside
- A tannoy system in which they can vent their frustrations from the comfort of the car
- A high visibility vinyl wrap
- A vegan smelling air freshener,
- 5 Go-Pro’s surrounding the car and a detachable helmet that appears from the roof.
Most importantly — the cars will be fitted with a sensor that detects when the car is travelling at less than 10mph and cleverly issues an electric shock to the drivers seat, along with a preset insult that will blare from the speakers.
With todays technology, I think this is a perfectly plausible solution. Furthermore, if we subsidise gym memberships for cyclists and raise taxes on unfashionable brightly coloured knob clothes — nobody is out of pocket!