I have been a fan of the X-Factor since it started – From Chico to One Direction, The X-Factor has brought me some great excuses to stay in on a Saturday night and watch a conveyor belt of wannabes murder classic songs for our amusement. Who can forget moments of great British history such as “ Rachel Adaaaaadeji” or philosophical quotes that even Aristotle would be proud off such as, “it’s Chico Time”. I am tearing up just thinking out it…
This year though, is the first year I have not religiously watched it and excitedly crossed my arms in the signature X-Factor pose when the opening titles start . Apart from a few of the auditions, the live shows have just not interested me, this years crop of talent are mediocre at best, its like choosing whether you would prefer having Gonorrhea or Piles, there is really no right answer.
Even Cheryl, who I used to get heart palpitations watching every week, pausing the Sky+ just to add her to the wank bank, now resembles something of Most Haunted, so even that previous joy is no longer part of the X-Factor experience which used to make it so great.
ITV have now bought the rights to The Voice and contractually The X Factor finishes next year, so this would seem the best time for it to bow out, it’s clear from the viewing figures this year which have been trounced by The Antiques Roadshow, suggests that people would now rather watch an old fart talk about his great granddads 18th century cammode than watching “Alien Uncovered” actually sing like “aliens”, and “uncover” the exact science behind singing out of tune.
There have been so many changes to the original format to try and spice it up each year that have been a disaster, that it makes me wonder what they will do next year to try and breath the last drop of remaining life it has left into it. I suggest three things;
- Get rid of all the judges and replace them with trained marksmen. Each week the one with the least votes will have a “save off”, and will have one minute to tell everyone why they should remain alive, the other would sadly be culled.
- If you have been on the show before, you are banned from re-auditioning, we didn’t like you last year and we don’t like you this year. Go away.
- Sob stories will be banned; everyone was bullied at school, your nan dying when you were 4 has no relevance in a singing show and we don’t care how ”hard” you have worked to get to the audition stage, all you had to do was turn up and sing, not walk thousands of miles through Syria with a backpack full of Bibles
This would be a reasonable start, if Simon wants more suggestions then he can pay for my expertise out of some of 1D’s album sales. I don’t work for free, which is ironic as that is what many of the X factor contestants will end up doing to try and bulk up their CV’s volunteering at a charity shop when they find themselves unemployable.
I don’t want to sound like a hater, I wish Louisa Johnston the best of luck, but unlike Fleur East last year who could sing, dance, rap and amazingly pull off wearing gold lame, I just think she will become another Ben Haenow, who’s name was immediately changed to “Ben Byenow” as soon as the competition finished.
If you have any other suggestions as to how we can shake up the series next year comment below.